The term “Gold Star Wife” demonstrates a legacy of love, sacrifice, & strength. Loss through military connection is profound, as is any loss. The additional weight comes from his proud service, my support for his compelling commitment to serve in the military and defend this great country.
When I think of my husband today, my first memory is my best friend and forever love. I remember his corny jokes, his wry sense of humor, and his outlook on life through the lens of service to those around him. He did not permit life to get him down. Our relationship was special because we were complete opposites, yet discovered ways to blend love, humor, and friendship at the core of our relationship.
Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence; there is an adjusting to an alternate life I did not anticipate nor ask to live. Even after all these years, the stillness and loneliness are a loud silence in my world. There is a feeling of missing home, yet “home” is the presence of a person, rather than a place. There is an expression of love, grief is the weight.
Creating new dreams, new life paths, and new directions come with small victories, yet always overshadowed by an ever-changing hue of grief. The hardest moments include becoming a stranger in my own life, not recognizing who I was nor recognizing who I am becoming. I watch my life, as a silent observer going through the motions, eerily detached, while being fully present. The biggest conundrum is the strange irony of knowing if I could at least talk to him, I would be better able to grieve his absence from my life. This thought twists and confuses…. not just in early grief, it remains to this day.
A turning point from surviving to thriving is the accomplishment of a simple task each day, even today, as well as overcoming the big life altering decisions- learning to trust myself without his presence.
Strength is found in my sons…. our sons, they keep me going.
Moving forward, one small step at a time, is the only choice; life compels one to live to its fullest. This is his legacy to me.
Loss is the price of love, to grieve is to have loved and been loved.
There is a pride of being a military spouse, which is exemplified as a Gold Star Spouse. Our proud military service, as a couple, did not die with him; rather it continues in the legacy of my presence, and that of sons.
